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Breaking: Emergency Amendments Made in the AER

Breaking: Emergency Amendments Made in the AER

“Major violation of basic structure”, says Stud Mooter

May 7, 2020 | Anmol Kohli

In a shocking turn of events, the Academic and Examination Regulations (AER) have been amended in light of the COVID-19 pandemic to grant emergency rule-making powers. These have been said to be a “necessary introduction” in order to maintain academic rigour in this unprecedented period of unimportant distractions at home.

Two key excerpts from the amendment read as follows —

  1. Everything correct is objective. All that happens is correct.

  2. No change will be allowed to the above changes under any circumstance.

Law Schoolites whose moot competitions have been cancelled — or made virtual, which is as good as cancellation because they don’t get to travel — are now busy interpreting this amendment as a violation of the “basic structure” of the AER.

Actions are being proposed under this new amendment. They include —

  1. Board Exam Study Trauma — Virtual inmates are to regularly receive PTSD flashbacks of 12th grade final exams. The same shall be achieved through mass hypnosis of the inmates into studying to the point of exhaustion and avoiding all familial distractions. This shall promote a spirit of uncompromising rigour in their online education.

  2. Luxurious Access to Wi-Fi — The university shall judge an inmate’s Wi-Fi access level depending on the time they spend on social media, Netflix, etc. The statistics for the same will be sent by the Chinese government through Zoom. Sufficient data for online classes shall be created by deleting all distracting apps, primarily news apps, which demoralise the inmates. The administration has assumed power under the amended provisions to moderate Facebook and Instagram content of inmates, an initiative that Mark Zuckerberg has apparently extended his full support to.

  3. Undivided Neural Interconnectedness — As just ensuring that virtual inmates login to class is not enough, efforts are being made to gauge their attentiveness as well. Being a sentient software, Zoom has learnt to incorporate the nervous system of inmates to ensure an interactive learning experience. This is done to ensure that students pay attention in class, just like they always did back on campus. Their brains will be “slightly nudged” back towards class whenever they think of some inconvenient and unnecessary thoughts.

Needless to say, virtual inmates are appalled by these amendments. However, many seem to be apathetic. “The world is about to end anyway, what’s the worst they can do?”, was the reply of one inmate. Another declined to comment, just saying, “Sorry, the student in me died this lockdown”.

Hopefully, more information about this issue will be made clear soon. Reportedly, the Student Academic Council will release the minutes of their meeting with the administration on this issue, in a press release by next trimester.

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