This article has been written by Garvit Sharma (Batch of 2021).
Last time I wrote for Quirk I thought I wouldn’t have to rant for at least 12 months. 81 days later, here I am again. I guess law school never fails to surprise us.
This article describes the journey the writer undertook in order to get his Criminal Law – I result declared. This journey began when the writer chose to drop out of the Univ Moot Rounds (because staying alive is always preferable to a better CV) and decided to make his project instead. So what does the Exam Department do to a guy who takes an exemption and also makes the project? Write Result Withheld against his name and decide to give him a series of minor heart-attacks for the next two weeks. (Apparently, I was supposed to get my project exemption cancelled before submitting the project.) The journey finally culminated in the result being declared. But not before the writer lost half the hair on his head trying to reason with the unreasonable. And not before he started empathising with Mussadi Lal from Office-Office.
I always used to think that the people who hate on the ED are exaggerating. I mean, how bad can it be? I understand that the ED can’t be very lenient with us. Because if that happens we will find teachers teaching empty benches. People shouldn’t hate the ED so much, right? But this was before I myself had to deal (read: beg, cry, grovel) with the Exam Department. At one point I even considered demanding trial by combat. I’m sure that other people have had worse encounters with the Exam Department, but mine was not exactly a walk in the park.
When college reopened, I decided to go to the ED personally (this was after I realised that simply writing e-mails to professors won’t help my cause). I saw other people standing outside the ED. These people had hope in their eyes. Maybe today ED will finally pass their attendance make-up which dates back to 1976. You could say that the ED is just like a typical Indian Government office. But then you would be terribly wrong. In reality, the typical Indian Government office is like the ED.
The ED is playing a game with me. And the name of the game is ‘Let’s test this guy’s patience’. I am just an unwilling participant, catering to the whims of my overlords. They make the rules, I follow. They own me. I’m just one of their many toys. This game is a complicated one. It has many levels and each level involves subjecting the student to more stress than the previous level. In this game of getting your result declared, you win or you die.
The rules of the game are:
Withhold student’s result.
He will approach us. Let the games begin.
Student will try to reason and negotiate. Don’t listen to him.
Make him write an email to a certain professor explaining the reason behind withholding of his result.
Student writes to professor. Professor writes to ED.
Student will think the matter has been resolved. Student is an idiot.
Ask student to explain why he dropped out of Univ Moot Rounds. Unnecessarily involve MCS Convenor in the game.
Ask student to ask MCS Convenor to ask the professor to ask the Exam Department to declare the result. Such asking, much wow.
Student is hopeful again.
He will personally come to visit us. Tell him result will be declared the next day.
Student is now bursting with enthusiasm to finally see his result.
But wait. LET’S MAKE HIM WRITE ANOTHER MAIL TO THE UG CHAIRPERSON.
Student writes mail to UGC.
Student has failed in Criminal Law – I.
Blow the final whistle.
Examination Department 1, Garvit Sharma 0.
After playing this game, I naturally felt exhausted. But apart from the exhaustion and a newly-formed phobia of electronic mail, what surprised me was the fact that ED has not yet linked the declaring of results to the Aadhaar Card. That would have made for an even more interesting game.
No matter how annoyed you are with this entire process, you can’t afford to lose your cool (a task which I find extraordinarily difficult) with the ED. Every step you take, every noise you make, will determine how the ED decides to fuck you up again. And when your Uber rating is better than your GPA, you have to take every step very, very carefully. I understand that I might have fucked up a little when I made the project after taking an exemption. I also understand that I should have informed the ED that I’m backing out of the Univs so that they could have revoked my exemption. But it probably shouldn’t have taken two weeks to sort this matter out. We are hitting sadism levels which shouldn’t even be possible. If you want me to write mails to a hundred different people, please tell me in one go. Not in instalments.
Also, the ED withholds results if your library/mess/DISCO (girls and boiz) dues are not paid. So if you are at home chilling and you fail in an exam, you won’t even realise that you ought to start studying. Just because you forgot to pay 17 bucks at the Hostel Office for the shitty food they serve in breakfast. Just impose heavy monetary penalties on those who refuse to pay up their dues. No need to mix exam results with mess food. And weed. And alcohol. And cigarettes. And other contraband stuff.
Anyway, here’s to hoping that I don’t find anything to rant about for the next 3 months (reduction in duration because life in Law School has more plot twists than a Dan Brown novel.)
Thanks for reading. May your attendance make-up get passed soon.