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Saale Sab Saanp Hain: Part 2 – The Saanp-Gradation

Older, wiser, but no less prone to being the victim of saanp tactics, the author of the original ‘Saale Sab Saanp Hain’ article  brings you some new stories from this season of Laa School Politics (and adds an artwork to go with it!) 

This article has been revised.

If you speak to people who’ve known me for any length of time, they’ll tell you that I’ve been thinking about this sequel from second year – when I wrote the original Saale Sab Saanp Hain, providing a breakdown of Law School politics and ways of of dealing with it.

The Saanp Network has expanded with the emergence of new subversive tactics, systemic protection of Saanps, and way too many Saanp victims to count. Recent incidents only confirm the same. So here we go again. I’m going to tell you a few stories about Saanps which helped me finalise the long-pending Saanp-Gradation.

I have classified the Saanps at Nagarbhavi Laa College into three categories, in increasing order of maliciousness:

  1. The Propaganda Anaconda

  2. The Liaison Python

  3. The Sniper Viper

based on presence of the three features I identified in Saanp Part I:

  1. Self-interest as the paramount need;

  2. Stealth based on ‘Diplomacy’ (code for lying); and

  3. Their integration with the Saanp Network.

[Note: For those of you in the midst of a Saanp encounter who might need a quick reference guide – here is a table that contains a short table summing up the Saanp Gradation. Good luck!]

GRADE 3: THE PROPAGANDA ANACONDA

Despite their threatening sounding name, the Propaganda Anacondas are the least dangerous of all Saanps. Just like actual Anacondas, they’re not venomous and thus, cannot kill their victims with one surefire kill. They ‘subdue’ their prey using constriction. In terms of the three parameters they measure up as follows:

Self-Interest

Doing things only to further self-interest to a Saanp is what lying about not losing to China is to Narendra Modi – routine. However, Propaganda Anacondas are passive in their approach towards the self-interest – restricting their methodology to:

  1. virtue signalling,

  2. pretendpassing-the-mic; and

  3. hypocritically adopting a vacillating, spineless, centrist stance to maintain their ‘stud’ cliques everywhere – by subjectively deciding who gets cancelled.

  4. being a power-trip hungry abuser of power on SnitchComm DISCOs

Propaganda Anacondas are never one to start a blitzkrieg against anyone, yet they do act like Hans Landa from Inglorious Basterds – working for Nazi Germany, then the USA, but in the end just for themselves.

However, due to their passive yet extremely public MO, their true nature will become apparent to anyone paying just a tiny bit of attention to the flow of conversation on batch groups; and the maybe also numbers saved for verification for the Google account starting an anonymous email thread.

So, much like Landa, the Propaganda Anaconda will also get tattooed with the swastika, except with four snake heads depicting their true nature. Score: 65/100.

Stealth

The most commonly used tactic is using the Law School grapevine – which has moved into 5G speeds since last year – to spread tiny, seemingly harmless pieces of misinformation.

I mean, we all know people who may create fire without smoke by presenting (hearsay) evidence about who the office holders preferred on committees– which is knowledge they gained by making a trip into the mind of the declarant –an attempt at creating chaos because ‘Chaos is a ladder!’.

But at the same time, their stealth tactic is transparent to anyone who has shed the rose-tinted glasses, and to people who are not currently crushing on a personification of the StudCulture™ meme. Anyone who has noticed the following will be able to spot them:

  1. a Propaganda Anaconda’s ubiquitous, yet seemingly silent, presence in public spaces;

  2. their shifty one-to-one talks with ‘legit seniors’;

  3. their ability to add an ‘in my personal experience…’ statement to every conversation.

This visibility to the experienced (read: sane) individuals at Laa College is why their stealth score is 50/100.

Integration with Saanp Network

Propaganda Anacondas possess low-to-moderate degree of Saanp Network Integration because they are usually Saanps who wish to climb up the SocialCapital™ ladder at Laa College.

Their best friend is friends with the best friend of the LawSchoolStud™, so they get access to all the gossip, but they’re not part of the internal Saanp Cabals which engage in digging up skeletons to include in a hate campaign against SBA candidates almost every year (except for this year – when the well-reasoned debate was a welcome change).

You could say they are a ‘part’ of the Saanp Network and follow its ideals, but they are also as expendable to it as Stormtroopers, or even Phasma, are to the Empire and the First Order.

Therefore, they get an average score of 55/100.

Suggested Remedies:

  1. Take off the rose-tinted glasses

  2. Read between the lines of the batch group responses which basically incorporate a ‘diplomacy’ thesaurus within them

  3. Just ignore them – they’re BT and petty but incorrigible – don’t waste your time on them because you’re a star and no insecure idiot trying to gain favour with everyone can ever outshine your hardwork, goodwill, character and achievements.

Overall Maliciousness Score: 57/100

GRADE 2: THE LIASION PYTHON

Pythons are known to kill prey by using an ambush method – they’ll jump out of a hidden location to strike at you and grab you with their teeth and squeeze until it’s too late to recover. This is exactly what the Liaison Pythons do as well – they stay hidden in the shadows, morphed as your friend, until they decide to attack with all their might.

Self-Interest

Liaison Pythons score extremely high on this due to their intention i.e. willingness and desire to eat up Roger Whetmore [1] and simultaneously, their successful attempts to justify the same by citing hunger, or a fake lottery game.

They’re personifications of the red-tape which plagues Indian bureaucracy and gives everyone involved mega-BT. Their skill lies in their ability to ensure such delays while citing exclusive legal positivism as their justification– to which, I say ‘I bet principle is the only reason! :P’. Score: 70/100

Stealth

Due to their evolutionary advantages, Liaison pythons are adept at ‘Stealth mode’. Their abilities include a combination of:

  1. hiding guilt by lying

  2. gaslighting the victim

  3. eventually playing the victim themselves if you end up confronting them about the stories they tell people for ‘the overall benefit of the law school community’.

And so, by the time you try to correct this story – when you try to tell people that you were the one who was attacked by the Saanp’s tactics which left your mental health in shambles – the large majority will already think that the Liaison Python was the true victim. They’ll believe that the Liaison Python was the one led on by you, forced into drunkenness and regular bouts of crying by you – that you were a terrible friend or that you called it on yourself.

And it may seem like your story will never come out, but at some point, you will build up the courage and people will stand with you in support – and then, you can finally tell your real story. Score: 95/100

Integration with the Saanp Network

Due to their years of plotting and scheming, the Liaison Pythons are in the inner-circle of the Saanp Network. They’re those who solidify positions on committees by hypnotizing their fellow Saanp supporters to ignore merit and vote for them in the elections. They’re those who can interpret the rules creatively and then send this interpretation via minions to the deciding body. Score: 85/100.

Suggested Remedies:

  1. 2-3 trusted friends who can spot and call out the scheming of a Liaison Python.

  2. Beware of people who claim screenshot sharing is the ideal mode of communication.

  3. Never ever ever believe that a Liaison Python can change – and therefore, actively warn people about their activities.

Overall Maliciousness Score: 84/100

GRADE 1: THE SNIPER VIPER

For long, I had believed that the Sniper Viper was a myth. Until today, when I ‘saw’ one. As a Saanp-handler, I had only heard stories of the Saanp who was similar to a sniper – well-hidden like Jason Bourne, and ready to go for the kill-shot for minor gains regardless of collateral damage.

I first felt the presence of this Sniper Viper through the content of an email detailing an anonymously proposed amendment which clearly targeted certain individuals. Eventually, the amendment was rejected for being in contradiction with established University rules and can’t be raised again. But regardless, I couldn’t believe my eyes, that my own batchmates would suggest something which could jeopardize long term career goals.

But regardless, I couldn’t believe my eyes, for who would be so vile as to want to ruin the past 10 and the next 10 years of their batchmates’ lives, right?

For three years, I have understood cutthroat and even unhealthy law-school competition, but never have I felt this shiver of pure disgust down my spine. I found out that this was a true indicator of the Sniper Viper’s presence.

Self-Interest

The above scenario shows that the Sniper Viper is willing to actively destroy people’s lives for even minor potential gains like a better shot at internships! Shocking, unconscionable and therefore, the true marker of a Saanp. Score: 100/100

Stealth

The clever use of anonymity to force the members of the RCC to work hard on finding out the legality of the amendment is ingenious and makes the Sniper Viper an equivalent to the burning eye of Sauron – ever-present, manipulative and sometimes successful. Score: 100/100

Integration with the Saanp Network

This parameter is tough to comment on due to the rarity of this species of Saanps. It suffices to say that specific members of this species may have different levels of integration. The Sniper Viper’s ability to operate alone can lead to the discussion of the RCC amendment and their ability to charm other Saanps to can cause them to vote in favour of the same. Score: Unknown.

Suggested Remedies

This species requires more research due to their extremely high stealth capacity, their ability to backstab, their ability to ignore stupid human considerations like character, honesty, conscience, trust and friendship. However, the remedies against becoming a victim of the Propaganda Anaconda and the Liaison Python apply mutatis mutandis.

Overall Maliciousness Score: Infinitely above 100.

SOME CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

The completed Saanp-Gradation and the expansion of the Saanp Network begs the question about whether it is even possible to avoid interacting with a Saanp. As a reputed Saanp-handler, my considered opinion is no.

Being a Saanp is taking the easy way out and there is a difference between what is right and what is easy. I know this cheesy quote sounds like codswallop and ‘right’ seems like an unachievable ideal. But however trite it may sound, one of the reasons some of us chose to become lawyers was to do something akin to the right thing. In the future, we can do this in whichever way we prefer – whether by leading constitutional law victories at the Supreme Court or by winning contract cases at a corporate firm, or through innumerable other forms of work.

In the present, this is why those of us who continue to choose to be human in this devastating time for us, our peers, our families, economies, and the world can always stick together. We can achieve this by being reasonable, considerate, caring, moral, confident, and by supporting each other through Law School.

To the Saanps we can say, “We might not have their ability to discard our conscience…But what we do have are a very particular set of skills we have acquired over a long long (laa school) career… skills that make us a nightmare for Saanps like you. If you let Laa School retain its positivity now, that’ll be the end of it. We will not look for you. We will not pursue you. But if you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you, and we will cancel you!”

Toodles.

[Disclaimer: We would like to clarify that Quirk removed Footnote 2 from the article immediately after publication on the author’s request and on reconsideration by the Quirk editorial team. The author would like to clarify that the footnote was phrased inappropriately and the content does not represent the author’s beliefs. The author apologizes for the same.

Quirk would like to apologize for the initial oversight in the review process. Quirk maintains a policy of impartial review – all submissions from all authors are reviewed following the same procedure -and when any submission is written by an Editor, they are excluded from the review process. We remain committed to ensuring a platform for people to speak their minds about Law School experiences from their perspective.]

[1] The victim from The Case of the Speluncean Explorers.

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