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  • Quirk NLS

The Rainbow Inside Me

This poem has been written by Monish Dixit (Batch of 2025). It is the fourth piece of our Pride Month Series. The illustration is by Monish Dixit (Batch of 2025).

I first cried in a creaking cradle, where my choices were snatched away

The decisions for my own body and identity were made without my say

I cried loudly, just as every newborn child did

But there were a lot more tears left, which my future slyly hid

I cried when I was four when I really wanted that pretty doll

My gender was reminded to me time & again, and I was given a rugged ball

With what happened for and around me, I sadly had to live

There was no such bare happiness, which my own choice could give

I cried in the apparel store when the blue frock with ribbons caught my eye

“We won’t buy him what girls wear. I don’t care, just let him cry”

I longed to be in those girls’ place, whenever in their frock they swirl

I just had a feeling deep inside, what if I too am a girl?

When pain became a habit, he entered my class, and maybe my heart

I was not supposed to love a boy, but the feelings I couldn’t pull apart

I lost myself somewhere among the cries and constant inner noises

I just said to myself, you are not allowed to make any choices

As time crawled forward, life felt strange and quaint

My peace was in something queer, in something small like a bottle of nail paint

I was denied, my wings of freedom cut so that I couldn’t fly

I cried yet again, but secretly this time

As being a man, I shouldn’t even cry

Every day I hurt and cried, I cried in different painful voices

Every voice just asked them, it asked them to let me make sane choices

But for them, sanity is vain with everything improper

The world had only insanity to offer

But now I won’t cry, my way they can’t block

With teal paint on my nails, I will carry that doll and wear that frock

Among the tears I found my wings, now in the cold breeze I’ll glide

They took away my happiness but couldn’t take my pride

The little rainbow buried inside me is ready to come out

I will make my own choices and bring a change about

The rainbow is in many others too, the ones who also couldn’t fly

And once it shows its colors around, it will cover the whole sky

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